If better is possible...

I thought I was over playing self-defeating games but, sitting in the seminar room that first afternoon of Choices, I triggered myself into playing a game I couldn’t win. Thelma asked everyone to put up their hands to signify their commitment to give 100% over the next five days. I sat in tightly packed formation with my fellow participants and put my judgemental mind on full alert. I looked around the room wanting to make sure I wasn’t alone in putting up my hand and committing to give it ‘my 100%’.

With an apologetic smile on my face, I raised my hand and quickly dropped it down. I knew I was lying. I wasn’t there to give my 100% commitment, even though I told myself I was. I wasn’t there to learn so much as to criticize the process, to judge the words as I sat, my mind closed off by my ‘expert’s position’ of knowing I didn’t have to be there. I was only there to support a friend. She had once saved my life. I wanted to make a difference for her. Sure, there would be ‘stuff’ for me in all the processes, but I didn’t really need to be there. I was doing okay. Living life within my comfort zone and learning to be the best me I could be. Life was good.

As they say at Choices, If better is possible, is good good enough?

My first WOW came when the Coaches and Teaching Assistants told their stories. As each individual stepped forward, their faces stern, their body movements constrained within their black clothing, I listened to each disclosure and thought, WOW. I want what they’ve got.

What was interesting is, before walking into the room, I thought I had it. I had just published my first book. I was working on a documentary. Sure, money was still a huge issue but the stars were aligning and I was on the right tract to overcoming my financial limitations. I love it when I prove myself wrong. It gives me an awesome opportunity to grow.

And grow I did. Through every moment, every exercise, every game. As each moment moved into the next, my thinking quietened as my heart expanded into the truth. “I cannot heal or change what I do not acknowledge.”

“Successful people do what it takes to achieve success.” I felt like Thelma was directing the statement at me. I felt frightened. Scared. Inadequate. What was I doing to achieve success in my life? What was I doing that stated, unequivocally, “I am worthy of living a beautiful life.” My stomach started to rumble. My head started to ache. Was I doing what it took? Was I ‘out there’ promoting my book, creating opportunities to speak so that I could achieve my goals? What were my goals? What were my dreams?

My awakening began that very first afternoon. Thelma said, “You gotta have a dream to have a dream come true”, and I felt a huge WOW erupt from my solar plexus. Over the course of the past few years, as I overcame the after shock of an abusive relationship, I had been so busy facing my fears, I hadn’t given myself time to dream. If I can’t see my dreams, how can I believe in them? And if I don’t believe I can achieve them, how can I make them come true?

I looked inside myself and wanted to cry. I was terrified of dreaming. There were so many tapes running through my mind that prevented me from recognizing how fear of dreaming was keeping me stuck in the grey zone, sleep walking my way through life. ‘Dreaming’s for children.’ ‘Don’t dream, you’ll only get hurt when people laugh at you when you fail.’ ‘Who do you think you are?’ ‘You think you’re so special. You’re not. See, even your dreams are ridiculous.’ The tapes ran fast and furious blocking me at every corner, trapping me into corridors that kept leading me to the same place, even when I thought I was going somewhere else. Funny how when you sleep walk your way through life, even if your eyes are open, you can’t see where you’re going.

My constant taking paths to nowhere had led me down some pretty dark, dank corridors. Over the course of the past few years I had gotten out of those ruts, but I was still locked in by my fear of dreaming. I had known for sometime that the fear existed but I was stymied in my attempts to move beyond their reach because I hadn’t acknowledged the tapes that were keeping me stuck in fear of stepping forward. Over the course of those five days at Choices, I heard my tapes, identified my self-defeating games and learned to stretch, to expand, to claim my right to create the life of my dreams. I learned to create more of what works in my life and less of what doesn’t. Fear keeps me stuck. Dreams give me wings to fly.

Choices gave me were the tools to overcome my fears so that I could step with courage and confidence onto centre stage of my own life and claim my right to be all that I am meant to be.

I am a passionate and fearless woman, touching hearts and opening minds to set spirits free.